Southern Cross

Southern Cross

Before I start tonight's blog I need to explain something to Michael.

I will use your line in this blog, promise promise. But on the ride home from work this evening my mind turned to other things, as it does constantly. So I'll start out with something completely different.

A few weeks ago I was in Maine with Tim and the kids. While driving along in the car the song "Southern Cross" by Crosby Stills and Nash came on the radio, and I began to sing. Tim looked at me quizzically for one reason only (not the fact I was singing, I do that all the time). I knew all the lyrics, which is rare.

"How in the world do you know this song?" He asked.

"When I was eight I heard this on the radio, and fell in love with this song. I kept a tape recorder next to the radio so I could record it the next time I heard it, and then I sat and copied down all the lyrics".

"That's telling" he smiled.

Well, tonight it came on the radio, and I didn't sing. I listened. (Which, by the way Michael ties in to your 'metaphor' theme the other night). The eight year old Sara was much brighter than this current version.

Think about how many times
I have fallen
Spirits are using me
larger voices callin'.

Logic and fear were what drove me to Utah. Logic stating that I would never find the right career for myself in a small remote town in Maine. Fear drove me out when I discovered that if I stayed I would most likely fall in love with Tim again, and if that happened I'd be stuck, trapped in his life. Not my own. After the pain and turmoil of the divorce I could not go back, I'd come too far. So I ran. Far.

When you see the Southern Cross
For the first time
You understand now
Why you came this way
'Cause the truth you might be runnin' from
Is so small.
But it's as big as the promise
The promise of a comin' day.

I've known the feeling of being on the right path. How everything in your life has led you to that exact moment where you just know it's right. That's how I envisioned my move to Utah being. Logic, logic. A good job, staying with your parents and saving money. This makes sense. "Just a year" I told myself. "Then you can move your family out and it will all be ok."

The trouble is, it's not. It feels so wrong. Having to look at the situation with honest eyes and admit that is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I made a mistake. This isn't what I should be doing. But what is right? The brain kicks in, "you're just restless.." It's more than that though. I'm on the wrong path. Spirits are using me, Larger voices calling..this isn't what I'm supposed to be doing. I know this. I know this.

So I'm sailing for tomorrow
My dreams are a dyin'.
And my love is an anchor tied to you
Tied with a silver chain.
I have my ship
And all her flags are a flyin'

I hope, just for a moment I can shut the rattlings of my brain off and stop the logic and fear and it will become clear again. It hasn't been for years. I'm so impatient.

I have been around the world,
Lookin' for that woman/girl,
Who knows love can endure.
And you know it will.

Now back to Michael.

I sat tonight in the kitchen, lamenting over confusing relationships.

"Sounds like you're jealous" Mike said "Maybe you like him".

"I don't have time for this" I answered back.

"There's always time for love" he smiled.

I looked down and noticed I was reading the wedding announcements of the New York Times.

Shit.