Glad You Asked

So on occasion I like to peruse the online personals at "The Onion". Bob knows this, he's seen me do it at work. Gives me the eye roll, but smiles and knows, hey, it's just what I do. One night, after about 4 tequilas, I decide to post my own personal ad. Don't do this. Only freaks do this. The next morning, nursing a hangover I check my inbox and lo and behold, I have 14 messages from potential suitors. All are completely awful except for one. An "environmental scientist" from a town about 80 miles from me. He asks a simple question:

"What sort of work environment does Rangely provide for a wine expert?"

The social retard I am..I reply thusly. (Names have been changed to protect..er, me)

Not a whole Hell of a lot there buddy. I suppose it does sound a little strange. I will clarify with a very brief synopsis on how a wine appraiser ended up in Rangeley.

Long story. How do I make this brief. OK. My former husband and I split up in New Jersey. Now, how we ended up in New Jersey is a whole other bunch of bananas that isn't relevant to this story so would you please be patient and let me finish? Fine. We're in New Jersey. I'm a happy little clam at my job, he's fine and dandy teaching in the suburbs. However, said former couple share children together, and mom (that's me), mom's not happy about them growing up in New Jersey. How many times can I say "New Jersey" in this missive? I suppose I'm trying to make a point. They're in New Jersey damnit. So I (I'm going to quit speaking in the third person now), I throw this idea out that perhaps..just maybe..the kids might be happier growing up somewhere...say..not in New Jersey (thinking I could move to Mendoza and work at a winery a friend is starting up) and guess what? The ex agrees! Yes! "You know I was thinking the same thing!" he exclaims. "So that's why I've decided to accept a teaching position in Rangeley Maine!" Wait..wait wait wait, slow down there tiger. Maine? Where is this "Maine" you speak of? I quickly get out the atlas. The map, not your dog. "Maine..Maine..What the..that's like..the wrong way". "Tut tut" he says, well, really it was more of a sound like "Fft". "It will be great! Mountains! Lakes! Fresh air! Stars!" they kids look at me hopefully. "Maine?" I say weakly. "Yes" they all say in unison. With hunched shoulders I drag myself into the office the next day."What's up buttercup?" My boss asks me. He didn't really say that, it just makes me laugh thinking of my boss saying anything close to that. He probably didn't even acknowledge I was in the same room. Anyhoo. Wow, this is getting long. So yeah, I quit my job, my boss said something that sounded like, "Why don't you just work from home up there and come down once or twice a month". I say "sounded like" because his nick name is "mumbles" and it could just have easily been "I don't like your work so go home and you can get unemployment in a month". I'm taking it as the former and working from home in Maine. The paychecks keep coming so until someone notices I'm not there I'll just keep doing it.

Glad you asked, huh.

He didn't write back.