Dear Maine- Fuck You

Just a bit of a letter I wrote the other day. Eh.

I've been composing an essay in my head the last few days, it's about
all the things I hate about Maine.

1. Those cute accents you were talking about? They're cute for about
five minutes. I'm sick of "Lobstah" "Chowdah" and "Beeah". I'm tired
of being called "Sarer". Why the Hell would you drop an "r" in a
perfectly good word like "Park", just to add it on to "Pizza". Hence,
a sentence here would sound like; "Pahk the Cah and we'll pick up a
Petezer". WTF is that.

2. The sun sets at 3:30 PM. I know that in the winter we have fewer
hours of daylight up here in North America, I accept this. But 3:30?
My kids are getting out of school and I'm popping open a bottle of
wine. You can not do this when you have children, or a job, because
you end up passing out around 7:45.

3. It's cold here David. Not just "a little chilly" or "boy is it
brisk today" but bone-chilling, teeth-chattering,
my-toes-are-frostbitten cold. If one more person says to me "Oooh! if
you think this is cold, just wait until February" I'll shoot them in
the eye. I am so sick and tired of people laughing at me because I'm
cold. It's 15 degrees out here sparky, of course I'm cold. I will also
be cold when it's -15. It's dark and fucking cold. I have this
gorgeous parka and every time I wear it someone greets me with "Nice
coat! What are you going to wear when it gets cold? Hee Haw!" I feel
like saying "You, after I skin you alive! Hee Haw!"

4. I've had one zillion people say to me, "You have to be tough to
live in Maine". Exsqueeze me? Tough? No, you have to be stupid to live
in Maine. Really fucking stupid. There are a million places on earth
that are more beautiful than Maine. You have to be tough to live in
Newark, you just have to be an idiot to live in Maine. There are no
jobs, the housing is expensive, the taxes are out of control, it's
cold, dark and people talk funny (please refer to points 1-3) The
"mountains" are in fact, hills, there are too many trees, and the
rivers are too shallow to do anything with. There are mosquitoes,
black flies that literally eat your skin, and don't get me started on
Moose. I hate these families who say with such pride that they have
been here for 200+ years. So? Too stupid and lazy to pack up and go
somewhere decent? Yeah! Sit out side of your camp and get eaten by
flies whydontcha!

5. "Camps" What the fuck is that? They are houses, not camps. I hate
it when people say "My family has had a camp on Lake Mooselookmeguntic
for one zillion years". Fuck you, fuck your camp. Who really cares.

6. My job. My job is dull. It's boring and not the least bit
challenging. My manager has made it her life's work to try and
humiliate me as much as she can in front of customers, my co-workers
and my boss to try and make herself look less than the ignorant
hillbilly she is. You see, she's from Maine. This is the only job she
has ever had. She likes to think she hasn't wasted her entire life
working in a retail store in Northwestern Maine, so anything I say she
replies with "Oh really! Well I put up the display window and yadda
yadda yadda.." Oh just shut up. She has horrible dandruff, bad breath
and would it kill her to take a shower or put on a clean shirt once in
awhile? When she speaks spit gathers on the sides of her mouth.
Luckily everyone knows she's nuts so they just roll their eyes but I'm
telling you, she'll be the first one I shoot in the eye.

7. You can't buy a decent bottle of wine up here. Nuff said. I've been
surviving on Rene Junot "table red" that I can buy in Magnum at the
local IGA for 9.99. Just to put this in perspective, I can buy the
same bottle in New Jersey for 4.99. So, I'm drinking a $5.00 Magnum of
Rene Junot as my "Good Wine".

8. I'm still living on Tim's floor. This I will go into at a later
date as I am too depressed to even write this little story out. I do
have a house, it will be ready the last week of December. So say a
prayer for your old pal Sara that I can keep myself from shooting
someone in the eye or drinking myself to an early death via Rene Junot
in the next three weeks.