Just one of my many lists

There are a lot of things that bug me.

My colleagues are discovering this, and have asked me to make a list for them to reference. I’m always willing to accommodate.

1. No speaking about eyes, teeth or feet. Ever. I don’t want to see what just landed in your eye.

2. Never touch me with your feet.

3. Don’t touch me period. If I’ve had a bit to drink, you may be able to touch my shoulder or elbow, use your best judgment

4. Don’t say the word ’elbow’ though.

5. Don’t use the word ’Dollop’.

6. Do not talk about things that come out of your butt, or things you put in your butt.

7. If you’re going to use my office to change your clothes, don’t leave your pants on my desk.

8. Warn me before taking off your clothes in the kitchen or in the dining room. I am tired of walking in to the kitchen to discover three grown men without pants. Stop it.

9. If you choose to debate me on any subject, accept that you’re going to lose. Don’t pout. Pouting is for sissies.

10. You are allowed to make up new words. Mispronouncing a word and claiming it’s a new word doesn’t count. Adding ’esque’ to the end of a word does (ASHLEY). If you do invent a new word, make sure it starts with the letter K, I like K, I don’t like the letters P or N. J is acceptable.

11. I am allowed to screw up, you are not. Never, ever tease me about screwing up. I am allowed to tease you.

12. You can use the word ’marshmallow" at any time. However, do not hit each other with the giant bags of marshmallows in the back. Food is not a game.

13. No wrestling. One of you will get hurt and I don’t like blood.

14. Try not to throw up at work (ASHLEY and JUSTIN).

15. The word ’discharge’ is never allowed, especially when combined with ’anal’.

16. Making fun of me is never acceptable. Unless I’m in the mood for playful teasing, then it is. Eventually you will be able to figure out what mood I’m in, unless it changes and you can’t.

17. You are allowed to make fun of Brad.

18. Just because I know a lot about wine, beer, bourbon, scotch, vodka, gin, and tequila does not mean I’m an alcoholic. Some things just come naturally to others.

19. I can’t count, add, subtract, multiply, divide, figure out percentages, or make correct change. This does not make me stupid. Don’t laugh at me. In addition, the laws of physics do not apply to me.

20. Just because you overhear drunk women at your tables exclaim to me that I must have the best job in the world, working with all these good-looking men does not make it a true fact. You missed the more accurate statement on New Year’s Eve (when you were all drunk and hitting each other with squirt guns) when a customer heard me saying "Mike! Get those balloons out of the elevator!" and "Jace! Will you put Tyler down!". She looked at me with concern and pity, simply stating, "I’d hate to be you".

21. I am allowed to change the rules and add to this list at anytime and without warning.

Hope this helps.

11:52 PM - 3 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

Does this make me look fat? I was in my office this evening listening to my boys get ready for work. "Where are my nail clippers? They were in my drawer, did someone take my nail clippers?" "Pass me the gel" "This isn’t my apron, my apron has a silver wine key in it, who took my apron?" "I’m watching my carb intake, I’m feeling fat" I love them all to death, but sometimes they sound like a bunch of pansies.