Costco = 7th Circle of Hell

When I lived in Jersey I would do anything in my power to avoid Costco. However, seeing as we were a family of six living on the wages of a Bartender it was a necessity. Do you know how much toilet paper four children go through?

The Costco in Hannover New Jersey was a deserted island of paradise compared to the Costco in Sandy Utah.

Utah has a very high population of people who practice the LDS faith. In fact, I'm pretty sure I'm the only person in the entire state who isn't a Mormon. I think one of the commandments in the Book of Mormon is "Have as many children as you possibly can and take them all to Costco at the same time".

If I'm not mistaken another principle of the religion is that if they have 120 children they will become Gods in the afterlife, and their children will become Gods as well. A lot of them practice being Gods right here on earth, right in Costco even.

"Ooooh! Free cheese samples! Let's leave our cart right here in front of this invisible lady and go get some!"

I've never heard so many screaming babies in my life. I passed one woman pushing her hysterical toddler in the cart as she was on her cell phone.

"Oh, he's just tired..yeah it's his nap time".

Here's an idea sparky. Why not shop at Costco, say..after his nap?

Heely's♦ were quite popular on the East Coast about three years ago, but like all fads they quickly faded. Not here in Utah. They seem to have just hit with a vengeance. Going to a large warehouse full of heavy things stacked to the ceiling and full of people? What a perfect opportunity to roller skate!

I went to Costco only because tomorrow is Father's day and seeing as I have two fathers plus the father of my children to buy for buying in bulk seemed a good idea at the time. As I stood in line holding my three books and tomatoes amongst the carts full of soda, white bread, chips and candy, I spied a solitary man holding a clam shell of Organic Salad and a pineapple. Our eyes met. I smiled weakly. He nodded his head slowly as if to say, "I too, walk with your pain".

♦For those with out children "Heely's" are shoes with a wheel implanted in the heel, so you can skate instead of actually having to walk.