Failure to Launch

Morning has always been my favorite part of the day.

While most people would complain about the morning commute in the New York metro area, I loved it. I loved seeing the sun reflect on the Manhattan skyline, how the Hudson River would shimmer, the diffused light as I drove each morning past the Medowlands. I loved mornings in Maine too. Walking Karma down past the lake through the sleepy streets to Scribners General Store for coffee and the paper, and my morning gossip sessions with Frank and Phil.

People who work at night are slightly off center, which is one reason I think I've become so close to the people I work with. We're all a bit nuts. Hours are skewed, days are off kilter. You see neither sunrises or sunsets. By the time you readjust after a day or two off you're right back in it again. I think working nights fucks with you.

Last night after a difficult physical and emotional day, I found myself in bed and asleep by 10:00 pm, which resulted in me waking up at 5:00am. I stirred a bit, back and forth, went over a e-mail argument I had with a friend yesterday, stewed a bit more, and finally said fuck it all, shuffling into the kitchen to make coffee. Then the most amazing thing happened, I watched the sun come up. I watched the Wasatch Mountains change color, pink, purple, blue then a deep, brilliant green. I watched a family of Quail in the yard. The morning was filled with nothing but the sound of birds and I was finally able to settle my brain and just be in the moment. I felt for the first time in months, finally at peace. I love the quiet reflections mornings bring.

I left the East with a fierce determination to make a life for myself. I have found that I have gotten so close to getting everything I've worked so hard for, and sacrificed so much for, only to have it slip through my fingers. The promised promotion and raise I never got, my house in Midway that fell through, relationships that started out with a bang and ended much the same way. It seems that the more I push, the more it eludes me. I was told once by a trusted friend that I didn't fight hard enough for what was rightfully mine. My first reaction to any situation is always "How will this effect so and so..". So, I took his advice and now I fight. You know what? His advice sucked.

I had a life back East. It wasn't what I envisioned it to be, but it grew up around me in ways I never would have imagined. People and places that I fought so hard not to love and become attached to worked their way into my soul. I had no idea. Even with the unexpected turmoil it was beautiful existence, and I miss it desperately.

So I sit in this state of limbo. I see my car in the driveway calling me.."Pack up! Let's go! It's time!"

"One hand on the steering wheel one waving out the window..."

So please call my missus
Gotta tell her not to cry
'Cause my goodbye is written
By the moon in the sky
Hey and nobody knows me
I can't fathom my stayin'
Shiver me timbers
'Cause I'm a-sailin' away