I used to keep my blog on Myspace.
Thanks to my dearest most special friend Bob who has finally moved over to the dark side of Facebook, I can finally delete my Myspace page. I've moved some miscellaneous past blogs from there to my new home on Blogspot. These are just strange, personal musings from the last two years. This blog is not updated on a regular basis, I write when I get the urge. I may post three blogs in a day, or nothing for three months. Whatever. If you'd like a regulary scheduled blog, try my weak attempt at reviewing cheap wines:
http://recessionwine.blogspot.com/
Wine of the night? Syncline 2006 Cuvee Elena. Because I can.
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Dear Maine- Fuck You
Just a bit of a letter I wrote the other day. Eh.
I've been composing an essay in my head the last few days, it's about
all the things I hate about Maine.
1. Those cute accents you were talking about? They're cute for about
five minutes. I'm sick of "Lobstah" "Chowdah" and "Beeah". I'm tired
of being called "Sarer". Why the Hell would you drop an "r" in a
perfectly good word like "Park", just to add it on to "Pizza". Hence,
a sentence here would sound like; "Pahk the Cah and we'll pick up a
Petezer". WTF is that.
2. The sun sets at 3:30 PM. I know that in the winter we have fewer
hours of daylight up here in North America, I accept this. But 3:30?
My kids are getting out of school and I'm popping open a bottle of
wine. You can not do this when you have children, or a job, because
you end up passing out around 7:45.
3. It's cold here David. Not just "a little chilly" or "boy is it
brisk today" but bone-chilling, teeth-chattering,
my-toes-are-frostbitten cold. If one more person says to me "Oooh! if
you think this is cold, just wait until February" I'll shoot them in
the eye. I am so sick and tired of people laughing at me because I'm
cold. It's 15 degrees out here sparky, of course I'm cold. I will also
be cold when it's -15. It's dark and fucking cold. I have this
gorgeous parka and every time I wear it someone greets me with "Nice
coat! What are you going to wear when it gets cold? Hee Haw!" I feel
like saying "You, after I skin you alive! Hee Haw!"
4. I've had one zillion people say to me, "You have to be tough to
live in Maine". Exsqueeze me? Tough? No, you have to be stupid to live
in Maine. Really fucking stupid. There are a million places on earth
that are more beautiful than Maine. You have to be tough to live in
Newark, you just have to be an idiot to live in Maine. There are no
jobs, the housing is expensive, the taxes are out of control, it's
cold, dark and people talk funny (please refer to points 1-3) The
"mountains" are in fact, hills, there are too many trees, and the
rivers are too shallow to do anything with. There are mosquitoes,
black flies that literally eat your skin, and don't get me started on
Moose. I hate these families who say with such pride that they have
been here for 200+ years. So? Too stupid and lazy to pack up and go
somewhere decent? Yeah! Sit out side of your camp and get eaten by
flies whydontcha!
5. "Camps" What the fuck is that? They are houses, not camps. I hate
it when people say "My family has had a camp on Lake Mooselookmeguntic
for one zillion years". Fuck you, fuck your camp. Who really cares.
6. My job. My job is dull. It's boring and not the least bit
challenging. My manager has made it her life's work to try and
humiliate me as much as she can in front of customers, my co-workers
and my boss to try and make herself look less than the ignorant
hillbilly she is. You see, she's from Maine. This is the only job she
has ever had. She likes to think she hasn't wasted her entire life
working in a retail store in Northwestern Maine, so anything I say she
replies with "Oh really! Well I put up the display window and yadda
yadda yadda.." Oh just shut up. She has horrible dandruff, bad breath
and would it kill her to take a shower or put on a clean shirt once in
awhile? When she speaks spit gathers on the sides of her mouth.
Luckily everyone knows she's nuts so they just roll their eyes but I'm
telling you, she'll be the first one I shoot in the eye.
7. You can't buy a decent bottle of wine up here. Nuff said. I've been
surviving on Rene Junot "table red" that I can buy in Magnum at the
local IGA for 9.99. Just to put this in perspective, I can buy the
same bottle in New Jersey for 4.99. So, I'm drinking a $5.00 Magnum of
Rene Junot as my "Good Wine".
8. I'm still living on Tim's floor. This I will go into at a later
date as I am too depressed to even write this little story out. I do
have a house, it will be ready the last week of December. So say a
prayer for your old pal Sara that I can keep myself from shooting
someone in the eye or drinking myself to an early death via Rene Junot
in the next three weeks.
I've been composing an essay in my head the last few days, it's about
all the things I hate about Maine.
1. Those cute accents you were talking about? They're cute for about
five minutes. I'm sick of "Lobstah" "Chowdah" and "Beeah". I'm tired
of being called "Sarer". Why the Hell would you drop an "r" in a
perfectly good word like "Park", just to add it on to "Pizza". Hence,
a sentence here would sound like; "Pahk the Cah and we'll pick up a
Petezer". WTF is that.
2. The sun sets at 3:30 PM. I know that in the winter we have fewer
hours of daylight up here in North America, I accept this. But 3:30?
My kids are getting out of school and I'm popping open a bottle of
wine. You can not do this when you have children, or a job, because
you end up passing out around 7:45.
3. It's cold here David. Not just "a little chilly" or "boy is it
brisk today" but bone-chilling, teeth-chattering,
my-toes-are-frostbitten cold. If one more person says to me "Oooh! if
you think this is cold, just wait until February" I'll shoot them in
the eye. I am so sick and tired of people laughing at me because I'm
cold. It's 15 degrees out here sparky, of course I'm cold. I will also
be cold when it's -15. It's dark and fucking cold. I have this
gorgeous parka and every time I wear it someone greets me with "Nice
coat! What are you going to wear when it gets cold? Hee Haw!" I feel
like saying "You, after I skin you alive! Hee Haw!"
4. I've had one zillion people say to me, "You have to be tough to
live in Maine". Exsqueeze me? Tough? No, you have to be stupid to live
in Maine. Really fucking stupid. There are a million places on earth
that are more beautiful than Maine. You have to be tough to live in
Newark, you just have to be an idiot to live in Maine. There are no
jobs, the housing is expensive, the taxes are out of control, it's
cold, dark and people talk funny (please refer to points 1-3) The
"mountains" are in fact, hills, there are too many trees, and the
rivers are too shallow to do anything with. There are mosquitoes,
black flies that literally eat your skin, and don't get me started on
Moose. I hate these families who say with such pride that they have
been here for 200+ years. So? Too stupid and lazy to pack up and go
somewhere decent? Yeah! Sit out side of your camp and get eaten by
flies whydontcha!
5. "Camps" What the fuck is that? They are houses, not camps. I hate
it when people say "My family has had a camp on Lake Mooselookmeguntic
for one zillion years". Fuck you, fuck your camp. Who really cares.
6. My job. My job is dull. It's boring and not the least bit
challenging. My manager has made it her life's work to try and
humiliate me as much as she can in front of customers, my co-workers
and my boss to try and make herself look less than the ignorant
hillbilly she is. You see, she's from Maine. This is the only job she
has ever had. She likes to think she hasn't wasted her entire life
working in a retail store in Northwestern Maine, so anything I say she
replies with "Oh really! Well I put up the display window and yadda
yadda yadda.." Oh just shut up. She has horrible dandruff, bad breath
and would it kill her to take a shower or put on a clean shirt once in
awhile? When she speaks spit gathers on the sides of her mouth.
Luckily everyone knows she's nuts so they just roll their eyes but I'm
telling you, she'll be the first one I shoot in the eye.
7. You can't buy a decent bottle of wine up here. Nuff said. I've been
surviving on Rene Junot "table red" that I can buy in Magnum at the
local IGA for 9.99. Just to put this in perspective, I can buy the
same bottle in New Jersey for 4.99. So, I'm drinking a $5.00 Magnum of
Rene Junot as my "Good Wine".
8. I'm still living on Tim's floor. This I will go into at a later
date as I am too depressed to even write this little story out. I do
have a house, it will be ready the last week of December. So say a
prayer for your old pal Sara that I can keep myself from shooting
someone in the eye or drinking myself to an early death via Rene Junot
in the next three weeks.
Glad You Asked
So on occasion I like to peruse the online personals at "The Onion". Bob knows this, he's seen me do it at work. Gives me the eye roll, but smiles and knows, hey, it's just what I do. One night, after about 4 tequilas, I decide to post my own personal ad. Don't do this. Only freaks do this. The next morning, nursing a hangover I check my inbox and lo and behold, I have 14 messages from potential suitors. All are completely awful except for one. An "environmental scientist" from a town about 80 miles from me. He asks a simple question:
"What sort of work environment does Rangely provide for a wine expert?"
The social retard I am..I reply thusly. (Names have been changed to protect..er, me)
Not a whole Hell of a lot there buddy. I suppose it does sound a little strange. I will clarify with a very brief synopsis on how a wine appraiser ended up in Rangeley.
Long story. How do I make this brief. OK. My former husband and I split up in New Jersey. Now, how we ended up in New Jersey is a whole other bunch of bananas that isn't relevant to this story so would you please be patient and let me finish? Fine. We're in New Jersey. I'm a happy little clam at my job, he's fine and dandy teaching in the suburbs. However, said former couple share children together, and mom (that's me), mom's not happy about them growing up in New Jersey. How many times can I say "New Jersey" in this missive? I suppose I'm trying to make a point. They're in New Jersey damnit. So I (I'm going to quit speaking in the third person now), I throw this idea out that perhaps..just maybe..the kids might be happier growing up somewhere...say..not in New Jersey (thinking I could move to Mendoza and work at a winery a friend is starting up) and guess what? The ex agrees! Yes! "You know I was thinking the same thing!" he exclaims. "So that's why I've decided to accept a teaching position in Rangeley Maine!" Wait..wait wait wait, slow down there tiger. Maine? Where is this "Maine" you speak of? I quickly get out the atlas. The map, not your dog. "Maine..Maine..What the..that's like..the wrong way". "Tut tut" he says, well, really it was more of a sound like "Fft". "It will be great! Mountains! Lakes! Fresh air! Stars!" they kids look at me hopefully. "Maine?" I say weakly. "Yes" they all say in unison. With hunched shoulders I drag myself into the office the next day."What's up buttercup?" My boss asks me. He didn't really say that, it just makes me laugh thinking of my boss saying anything close to that. He probably didn't even acknowledge I was in the same room. Anyhoo. Wow, this is getting long. So yeah, I quit my job, my boss said something that sounded like, "Why don't you just work from home up there and come down once or twice a month". I say "sounded like" because his nick name is "mumbles" and it could just have easily been "I don't like your work so go home and you can get unemployment in a month". I'm taking it as the former and working from home in Maine. The paychecks keep coming so until someone notices I'm not there I'll just keep doing it.
Glad you asked, huh.
He didn't write back.
"What sort of work environment does Rangely provide for a wine expert?"
The social retard I am..I reply thusly. (Names have been changed to protect..er, me)
Not a whole Hell of a lot there buddy. I suppose it does sound a little strange. I will clarify with a very brief synopsis on how a wine appraiser ended up in Rangeley.
Long story. How do I make this brief. OK. My former husband and I split up in New Jersey. Now, how we ended up in New Jersey is a whole other bunch of bananas that isn't relevant to this story so would you please be patient and let me finish? Fine. We're in New Jersey. I'm a happy little clam at my job, he's fine and dandy teaching in the suburbs. However, said former couple share children together, and mom (that's me), mom's not happy about them growing up in New Jersey. How many times can I say "New Jersey" in this missive? I suppose I'm trying to make a point. They're in New Jersey damnit. So I (I'm going to quit speaking in the third person now), I throw this idea out that perhaps..just maybe..the kids might be happier growing up somewhere...say..not in New Jersey (thinking I could move to Mendoza and work at a winery a friend is starting up) and guess what? The ex agrees! Yes! "You know I was thinking the same thing!" he exclaims. "So that's why I've decided to accept a teaching position in Rangeley Maine!" Wait..wait wait wait, slow down there tiger. Maine? Where is this "Maine" you speak of? I quickly get out the atlas. The map, not your dog. "Maine..Maine..What the..that's like..the wrong way". "Tut tut" he says, well, really it was more of a sound like "Fft". "It will be great! Mountains! Lakes! Fresh air! Stars!" they kids look at me hopefully. "Maine?" I say weakly. "Yes" they all say in unison. With hunched shoulders I drag myself into the office the next day."What's up buttercup?" My boss asks me. He didn't really say that, it just makes me laugh thinking of my boss saying anything close to that. He probably didn't even acknowledge I was in the same room. Anyhoo. Wow, this is getting long. So yeah, I quit my job, my boss said something that sounded like, "Why don't you just work from home up there and come down once or twice a month". I say "sounded like" because his nick name is "mumbles" and it could just have easily been "I don't like your work so go home and you can get unemployment in a month". I'm taking it as the former and working from home in Maine. The paychecks keep coming so until someone notices I'm not there I'll just keep doing it.
Glad you asked, huh.
He didn't write back.
Airatarian
My mother doesn't eat.
I mean, she eats, ok? Everyone eats. But she doesn't really eat food.
Yesterday morning it was coffee and I made her try a HobNob. She didn't really like it and ate a graham cracker. I think that was breakfast.
Then as I was leaving to go to the mall she called after me, "Here! take some lunch with you!" and ran down the driveway with a banana.
Now, she's never eaten dinner as long as I have known her. I guess that would be all my life. She was a working mother and would leave notes like, "Dinner is in the fridge" where my siblings and I would find three apples and a bag of cheese curds.
I spoke with my sister yesterday about mom and her ability to live, not just live but thrive on just coffee, fruit, cheese and wine.
"It's freaky" my sister said "It's like she's an...airatarian" .
I mean, she eats, ok? Everyone eats. But she doesn't really eat food.
Yesterday morning it was coffee and I made her try a HobNob. She didn't really like it and ate a graham cracker. I think that was breakfast.
Then as I was leaving to go to the mall she called after me, "Here! take some lunch with you!" and ran down the driveway with a banana.
Now, she's never eaten dinner as long as I have known her. I guess that would be all my life. She was a working mother and would leave notes like, "Dinner is in the fridge" where my siblings and I would find three apples and a bag of cheese curds.
I spoke with my sister yesterday about mom and her ability to live, not just live but thrive on just coffee, fruit, cheese and wine.
"It's freaky" my sister said "It's like she's an...airatarian" .
Peacocks
My parent's next door neighbor dropped by last night and mentioned there had been some break-ins last year. Is break-ins hyphenated? I think so. Who cares.
So yes, my mother said to me this morning that she thinks she should get an outside dog, just for protection.
"It would be hard fro me to leave it outside though, just standing there in the cold why the rest of us were inside. That's cruel".
I agreed.
"What you need mom, like a guard...."
"Peacock! Yes! What a great idea"
I wasn't going to say peacock. I'm not sure what I was going to say, but it wasn't "guard peacock".
So yes, my mother said to me this morning that she thinks she should get an outside dog, just for protection.
"It would be hard fro me to leave it outside though, just standing there in the cold why the rest of us were inside. That's cruel".
I agreed.
"What you need mom, like a guard...."
"Peacock! Yes! What a great idea"
I wasn't going to say peacock. I'm not sure what I was going to say, but it wasn't "guard peacock".
It's all Greek to me
There was a marble serving plate on the counter at work yesterday, so I spun it and asked my colleague what she saw. She smiled and looked at me blankly like she always does when I ask her something and she either does not understand, or can't hear me.
"Chocolat" I said, "I guess you haven't seen it".
"I've seen it" she said "It's the French one with words on the bottom".
"No, no subtitles, it's in English".
"Right, the one about how life used to be in Italy".
"Well no, it takes place in France".
"'Like Water for Chocolate'" she frowned, "I didn't like it".
"Yeah..that's a Mexican film".
"Whatever".
"Chocolat" I said, "I guess you haven't seen it".
"I've seen it" she said "It's the French one with words on the bottom".
"No, no subtitles, it's in English".
"Right, the one about how life used to be in Italy".
"Well no, it takes place in France".
"'Like Water for Chocolate'" she frowned, "I didn't like it".
"Yeah..that's a Mexican film".
"Whatever".
Clumsy Anacronym
I've got to quit making fun of my manager. Really, I can't keep doing this.
Today she and a co-worker of mine were folding sweaters. "You can't describe a sweater as 'clumsy'" she said "clumsy isn't an adjective, it's an adverb".
Knowing I did not want to get involved in this conversation, I tried to leave the room.
"Sara!" She shouts. "Clumsy is an adverb, right? It can't be an adjective".
"Er well...I suppose it could be an adjective, if you were describing a noun...like..um, a person. The person was clumsy".
"Yeah but, it's really an adverb, right?"
Well, if you were to say, "He stumbled along, clumsily" You'd be in adverb territory.
"What about a sweater. Can a sweater be clumsy?".
I suppose it could be.
"Hee Haw! Right!" she snorts. "You need to have a long talk with your ex-husband, because you are WRONG baby! So wrong.."
Yes, tonight I will consult my ex-husband who teaches High School English about Adverbs. Maybe I'll call my English professor father and brother as well for a second and third opinion because , GASP-I don't know the English language.
Earlier that day she was decribing her daughter coming up with some anaconyms. "You know, like Happy for Sad, or Hot and Cold.."
I think she's FUBAR.
Today she and a co-worker of mine were folding sweaters. "You can't describe a sweater as 'clumsy'" she said "clumsy isn't an adjective, it's an adverb".
Knowing I did not want to get involved in this conversation, I tried to leave the room.
"Sara!" She shouts. "Clumsy is an adverb, right? It can't be an adjective".
"Er well...I suppose it could be an adjective, if you were describing a noun...like..um, a person. The person was clumsy".
"Yeah but, it's really an adverb, right?"
Well, if you were to say, "He stumbled along, clumsily" You'd be in adverb territory.
"What about a sweater. Can a sweater be clumsy?".
I suppose it could be.
"Hee Haw! Right!" she snorts. "You need to have a long talk with your ex-husband, because you are WRONG baby! So wrong.."
Yes, tonight I will consult my ex-husband who teaches High School English about Adverbs. Maybe I'll call my English professor father and brother as well for a second and third opinion because , GASP-I don't know the English language.
Earlier that day she was decribing her daughter coming up with some anaconyms. "You know, like Happy for Sad, or Hot and Cold.."
I think she's FUBAR.
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